As far back in my history as I can remember, I never wanted to go to school, perhaps did not have any idea; at may be when I was 5; what would be the consequences. However, with all the good intentions, I was forced to take meal at 9:00, hold hand of my immediate elder brother and start walk up, perhaps climb up, as it would be, I guess, a climb of at least 4 inches for every foot long step I would take on the dirt footpath that would take me to the primary school where I was enrolled at standard one; Mahendrodaya Primary School. Perhaps “Mahendro” might have already been replaced by “Falaanedro” or “Tilaanendro”, as people have started taking down and dismantling all the stuff (perhaps good) that were built before they were in horizon of power (ill-intentioned, as I see from distance, you have all rights reserved to disagree in whole); those stuff that gave them the education and culture and may be the platform to be what they now claim they are. Well, I shall not speak politics or ideas about the development of the country just as everybody else who have left the soil that gave them the fertility they have now and producing the good for the benefits of nobody of theirs, exactly like me.
Rather, I intend to speak of the way I develop my so called ladder of dreams that led me to a floor that has now no ladder up or down. I do not mean I do not like where I am; lately, I wanted to be on this floor badly, and I am enjoying being on it. And I know everybody in this world can live only only life. It is just the feeling that the floor has no way up or may be even no way out hurts somewhere inside; in the place I never was able to be at or have control of what should be there or was never able to get rid of the irrationals of being in that place. Well, when I made habit to go to school and learn a bit about the surroundings, got a feeling that education will be for good JAAGIR (job). Even with that much of understanding or knowing or whatever you name it, I still did not want to go to school; instead wanted to grow whole lot of grasses in the paddy fields we had about 2 hours away from home and raise several buffaloes to sell milk for living. Was not my early dream wonderful? Believe it or not, I am kind of there now, at this very moment, to the earliest dream I had; just in a different hemisphere; in the irrigated fields just like my paddy fields 15,000 miles away in the other side of the world. Back home, we have KULO (conventional light duty canal) taken out of a relatively perennial stream, though the discharge is close to none in the winters with severe droughts. Same here; but different; a heavy duty modern canal that runs hundreds or sometimes even thousands of miles through the side of small hills; they call them mountains; I find that kind of funny; they are by no measure mountains to me. They irrigate thousands of acres of land downstream. Similar back home; but different; the KULO we have irrigates just several hundred Ropanis, nowhere close to how much these guys have irrigated. We are getting grains out of that irrigation, back home, the food that is so essential to get just the marginal numbers of calories that our body needs; these guys; at least in the fields I am spending my precious days; are getting fruits and wines and juice and beers, which, by my standard back home, are luxury, not the basic need.
Well, long story short, I am in the irrigated fields, they grow grasses too, called ALPHA ALPHA or others, I dreamed of doing that when I was may be 8. Fortunately; unfortunately; my elders did not find my dream that pleasing, in fact, I guess it was kind of devastating for them to hear that from somebody they had their own dreams on. Dreams of pride and prosperity in the context of horizon they grew up in; be clear please, it never was selfishness or anything of that nature. They spent all they could and everything they had; the money, the time, the energy, the freedom of their being, the self, everything; to make me successful, in all possible ways, a very successful man. And, that success was nothing but, for a 10 year old son of SUBBA (A junior government official), to be a MUKHIYA (even junior official), may be in district post office, so that people would come to my office and pay Namastes (a sort of respect, often ill-intentioned, anyway). That was the second step in my ladder of the dreams. Why I call it ladder; because I see a dream, move on a little bit, see another dream may be a little wilder, perhaps one step up from the previous one; and the repititive process makes a ladder; a staircase of dreams. I never was able to see the horizon far enough or I never had a big enough horizon; god knows which one is ture; to dream the ultimate. Who or what the god is anyway, a third power on which we rely on when we can not rely on ourselves, when things are out of your control or when we can not rationally, logically or scientifically explain what is going on; we are so poor in our understanding or horizon that we have to rely on something abstract, in the name of god. Anyway, if it gives me peace of mind, we call MANAKO SANTI, then it does not hurt to believe in or to pray for or to devote some moments and money to it. Well, I shall not talk about the god again, too big of a topic for somebody with so slim horizon.
I was trying to talk about my dreams. You can not dream much wilder, if you do not know what the wild is, perhaps, my own theory to leverage comfort to I, for not being able to dream far enough. It is again perhaps chicken and egg story, I can not dream far enough if I do not have a big enough horizon, and I can not get to a bigger horizon if I do not dream big. Perhaps it is not chicken and egg, but may be outward spiral. May be this is more logical, but I do not dare to believe in it. For me, it was a staircase.
To be a MUKHIYA, all I needed was what they had a "sent-up test"; why a All-Nepali-Medium school used this “sent-up test” as it is, was a question of all times. There never was a Nepali phrase for this exam and funniest of all was that this never was an exam that takes you to new level if you pass it. It was just a qualifying for your school leaving certificate exam but you still got a kind of "understood" degree out of it; you can fight for MUKHIA out of this qualifying exam. Until I passed it, I never knew the “sent-up” meant to be just that. Anyway, who cares, all I wanted was to pass it and I did. Unfortunately/fortunately, something that never happened to me until then happened in that exam, I was above all in our batch, the first boy (I do not want to sound like I am trying to tell something I did the great, they never were and are, but somehow things pup-up to make up the story, if there is any, my bad).
I forgot, it was also my dream, even though it was not related to the ladder of dreams I am talking about here, my wildest dream to be a class first in at least one of my high school years, perhaps the greatest pride I could ever get then. What would happen if you are the first boy or girl; I was a boy; so first boy; was that in the final day of school “Janma Jayanti” celebration ("birth day of school" does not sound something like I expected; but that was it right? literally; but, oh, yes, it may be called anniversary? but still sounds like marriage anniversary of head-master and madam:>, other schools perhaps celebrate differently, may be so called parents day). Nevertheless, on that celebration they distribute prizes to the first boys/girls; and being called to the stage and getting that what we used to call light copy (but used to be a set of heavy notebooks; not the computer; the real notebook) from head-sir was the dream that never came true to me. But right at the edge, I was it, and unfortunately, there was no anniversary between the day I was the first boy and the day I was out of school.
The bad thing, the outcome; who would let you drop out of your SLC and go for MUKHIYA exam, if you are the school topper in the sent-up? Neither my parents and elders nor my teachers listened to what I had to say; and all that was again well intentioned, rational and logical; as I see it now, at least I tend to think that way. I never complained and will never do so, I never regretted and will never do so, I never objected and I do not have any more chance to do so; I can not fly back in time, unless somebody get me to that time machine that was one day being featured in the History channel. I never ever will understand what this time machine is and how can I will be younger tomorrow than today, but I would like to experience that. I only know if I can fly faster than light, I can someday reach to a place where the light emitted by my grandfather’s body when he was still alive would be travelling up and I can pass it and turn around to see that light and that is my grandfather of skinny and short body with gray hair; face exactly like my one year old boy, the person I never saw in person, in video or in picture. Only the thing I know about him is that he had a name of Pahalman (literally – brave??); not to mention Karkee; though I am not sure whether he would go like Karkee or Karki or Karkey or Karke, or Karky or something else given he knew ABCs; but was not that Pahalman in reality; he got married only once in the era when a so called Pahalman would marry at least five. I believe I will still be older at the end of the day even if I am flying faster then light, Period. Do I need a period (.) after Period?????? God bless me for the next step in the ladder.
